I have moved.
Sadly things haven't quite gone according to plan this year and life has been really quite difficult since Christmas. I was constantly tired and cold and those around me thought I was loosing my marbles and becoming quite erratic. Specifically, I couldn't decide what to do about the shop. I had been going to leave to marry Phillip before that all fell apart and I think in my mind I knew I was exhausted. But at the same time I was trying to be realistic and it paid my wages. Deciding what was best was a real problem for me. I loved doing it, well most of it, but I knew I was really tired all the time. I woke up tired. One of my best friends Sarah thought I was depressed and although I disagreed at first I did start to wonder. My other best friend just said I was a pain and said she didn't want to be around me anymore, which was horrid, really hard to hear and just about finished me off at the time.
At this point I thought I'd better go to the doctors. When I told her what had happened in my life recently and that I was tired, cold, irritable all the time and also what my friends thought, she said she agreed with Sarah. She diagnosed anti-depression pills. I went home and cried a bit. Then I decided to move. I knew I couldn't manage without the friend who wasn't my friend anymore, mentally I just couldn't cope with her assessment of my worth and physically I couldn't manage either. And my mum said she was worried about me, why didn't I just go home and get better and then see what would happen next.
Aren't mum's ace?
So thats what I did. I packed up and moved within 2 days. All my family came and helped pack, my brother used his huge HGV to shift the stuff and I cried through all of it like a wet lemon. It was very hard and I still wasn't sure. At my age not knowing what you are going to do next is quite scary. But most of all I just felt very, very tired.
When I got here I had to register with a new GP. As part of this process they take your blood pressure and mine was quite scarily high. I went back later and it was still high so they monitored it over a few days and then did an ECG. Apparently high blood pressure over a long period can cause damage to your heart. My ECG wasn't right and my tiredness down to this. I know I should be upset by this but I'm really pleased that I am not depressed. I was quite depressed by the thought of being so depressed my friend didn't like me anymore. That upset me more than anything. Now I know what is causing my problem I can work on getting it fixed. I am so pleased I moved, I may not have found I had a problem until it was too late.
So I am at my mum's for now. The shop has gone, I am not working, I am resting as they say. I should start to feel better soon and then I will decide whats next. I do actually feel better already, making the decision to move lifted a lot of pressure from me. And it is obvious now that I couldn't have manage to work for very much longer. I still feel really tired but its getting better, well I'm pacing myself better, and I am loosing weight. I have made a new blog - gettingbackbrahms.blogspot.co.uk - and I am leaving this one in my past. I hope you will drop by the new one. The title is a book by Mavis Cheek, I love her books, they laugh at themselves. This one is about a lady whoes failed love life stuffs up her life and ruins her enjoyment of all the things she enjoyed before her life fell apart, one of these being listening to Brahms. It sort of sums up what happened to me and how I feel just now. Most importantly it has a happy ending and much as I really, really miss my friend who isn't, life goes on and I am hoping for a happy ending too.
Love Karen x
PS - Thank you so much for all the reading you have done here in the past, it has been lovely to look at the number of views and think someone is at least a bit interested.
All the very best, Karen x